know the problem, but there's no solution to the problem.i know, cause i've tried.doctors know my problem too.but i can see on their faces. it's written "i wish u hope"
medicine, i cant go on it again they know i keep stopping. if i stop again i might get real bad. but i think now is bad enough. cause i've stopped 8 times before. its my problem, i dont like medicine. it makes us less depressed.. but it makes us less happy
isnt it right

you should be able to feel it too

it's like trapping me at the 0 point, cant go down, and cant go up. therapy, it only works for those who are traumatised by an event or sth... but mine's been too long, mine is being affected by facts. not what i think.

wanna hear a story?

there's a small boy, who at the age of 7 started to play with his bro. but they dont play with toys, they play with their things. little boy thought its love. bro love him. little boy grew older. did bj for bro. when little boy is 15, he got his own room. no longer sleeps with bro. no more blowjobs. and he wonders, what have he been doing all these while. while going to the age of 15, bro kept beating him up. till verge or killing him. he asks himself, was it fear that driven him to give bj for his bro...or isit that he love his bro...that he doesnt care. age 15, he went to online to talk about his family problems. met this girl. whom he thought could be everything he needs. then he recalled another past. age 13, he was having fever, slept in parents room. got woken up by a dick in between his aaa-his dads. he wonder, why didnt his dad did it to his mum instead. he opened his eyes a little. saw that the toilet light is on he close his eyes, forgive his dad. it must be a mistaken case. went back to sleep. lie that its all a night mare. then the girl broke with him. depression starts to come in. he visits private doctors. started 5mg of medication. started to cut, overdose,etc he call his friends to chat. over sms, over call. his dad gets angry with the phone bills jump through window and strangle him. freaks him out. his bro, he doesnt do any more bj for him. his bro still beat him up. but its okay, he've grown to learn to reduce the impact. everytime , everyday he have a fight with his bro he'd lie on the bed whisper to himself "sorry kor kor, you dont need to beat me i will punish myself" he takes the blade, cuts himself. on those days where by his dad freak him out and bang on his door he curl at behind the door crying like a little kid. age 15,december, met a girl had his first kiss. girl from then never talked to him. stopped medication went to IMH for a cheaper source. from 5mg, then to 10 then 20, then 25 then 30.

each time, it's the same old thing

doc "hi how are you?"

boy "i'm fine"

doc "okay thats good"

does the doc really believe him

then sleeping became hard. he no longer explodes his phone bills. he no longer talks to his bro. but the fear.fear of the doors banging, jumping in from the window bro with a knife and a hard fist coming for the face he wonders if it was all his fault cuts and more cuts. depression got real worse. he doesnt remember much. age 16, 2 weeks before olevel, met the girl. he swore he'd love forever. he swore she'd be his last. she swore, they'd be together forever...he asked her, isit okay to have a bf with depression? she said its totally alright. he smiled. he cried. happiness this time. he told her how much he hates pills,it makes him feel like an 80 year old man with an incurable disease. depression is curable. cause with her, he feel happy. he drops the pills. she's his pills.

___________

they got together, but soon she broke off, not just a simple one. its a really hurtful one.

this is just a story, no need for any actions.